With under 5 weeks to go, I thought I was on auto-pilot, smooth sailing if you would. The birthing class was a smashing success, the CPR class lovely, Baby Weeks' room is pretty much set up, clothes are washed, we are ready to go. I've even been looking forward to breastfeeding - selfishly, it will help me lose weight faster and maybe even prevent certain cancers, and it couldn't be a better choice for baby. Breast is best for a reason, breast fed babies really get a head start on life and I've been determined to do a good job feeding my little one. Now, I'm scared shitless. This is going to be a challenge.
Personal Myth #1: Breastfeeding is quick and easy. I've seen babies drink out of bottles, it takes like 5 minutes, breastfeeding will be the same.
Busted: Breastfeeding takes between 10-20 min per breast, with a grand total of up to 40 minutes every time you do it. Babies eat at least every 3 hours, that means I could be at this almost 6 hours a day. HOW DO YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE? HOW DO PEOPLE WORK? On average, he'll need to eat twice during the night and I'll have to be up for 40 minutes doing it, when do you sleep??
I also have crazy obligations in the month of October - the first weekend I have my SIL's baby shower, then the next my soon to be SIL bridal shower, the next a wedding we wanted to go to, the one after my soon to be SIL's bachelorette, and finally my mom's bridal shower for my soon to be SIL. In my head I though I'd be cool going to all of these events, now I can't wrap my head around any of them. Am I going to have to trek my little guy around at 2, 3, 4 weeks old so I can feed him on the hour? And with it taking so long to do, how do you "excuse" yourself from a shower for 40 minutes? All of these things are so important to me and I already feel like I'm letting people down.
Personal Myth #2: I'll start pumping ASAP so Jesse can do night feedings and I can sleep.
Busted: First, you have to wait 3-4 weeks (at least) to introduce a bottle. Fine. But, the way the whole science of this works is that your breasts produce milk when baby takes milk. So if Jesse does the night feedings and I sleep, that means my production will slow way down because I'm going 8 hours between feedings. I'll have to either pump during the night when he bottle feeds or suck it up and keep it up all night.
Personal Myth #3: I'll feel attractive again once I lose the weight after baby arrives.
Busted: It's been hard being surrounded by my very pretty and very skinny friends all summer. I've gained over 30 pounds and feel like a huge blob every day. My maternity clothes are starting not to fit and I'm starting to worry what I'll do about work - I certainly don't want to spend money on something I'll wear for 3-5 weeks, but what else can I do? Thus, I've been looking forward to my post baby body with vigor. I've kept up my exercise routine (2 mile walk/runs 3-4 days a week and yoga weekly) and don't have any stretch marks to date so have been hopeful. However, after watching the videos at the breastfeeding class, my hope sank. How can anyone feel sexy leaking milk out of their boobs all the time? How can my husband and I reinvigorate a sexual relationship when if he touches my breasts they will most likely start spurting milk?
Personal Myth #4: Once baby comes, the responsibility will be more even for his care.
Busted: How could it be more even with the responsibility, time, and care it takes to breastfeed? Again, I feel like this entire process is on the mother's shoulders. I don't want to fail, I don't want to do bad job, I want to be a good mom. Despite all of this, I am still determined to make breastfeeding work. It's worked for thousands of years for women who's circumstances far exceeded my own, I can make it work for me. But like everything that comes with the joy of motherhood, it is that - work. At least I am better informed now so none of this will come as a shock once my little guy gets here. I've got 5 weeks left to let it all sink in, prepare, and think of all of the joy being so close with him will bring!
Showing posts with label scared. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scared. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Admitted
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling increasing pelvic pressure. The pressure is centrally located, pretty much at my cervix and feels like I'm getting a pap smear from the inside. Mostly this happened after my runs so I've cut back and am mostly speed walking at this point.
Friday, it was back in full force, even without the exercise, so Jesse and I decided to phone it in to the doctor. Since I'm so far along, they wanted me to go straight to L&D at St. V's, so that's what I did.
I wasn't really worried until I got there and somewhere between being admitted to the hospital, stripped to a johnny, and having fetal monitors attached to me, the worried picked up. Ironically, my room was the same on we saw on our tour last week and was ready and equipped for whatever happened. We waited patiently for the doctor who did a full cervical exam (no dilation or effacement), a urine test for a UTI (negative), and then a FFN (more info here: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/pretermlabor_fetalfibronectin.html). I then had to wait an hour for the results to come back.
Thankfully, everything was ok and we were soon discharged, but needless to say I don't want to be back there until the big day. Baby Weeks's vitals were really strong (the nurse actually called them "beautiful") and my pain was simply diagnosed as aggravated muscles stretching to make more room for baby or simply my baby kicking my cervix.
I'm now pumped for a super fun weekend and relieved that with 8 weeks left, everything looks great!
Friday, it was back in full force, even without the exercise, so Jesse and I decided to phone it in to the doctor. Since I'm so far along, they wanted me to go straight to L&D at St. V's, so that's what I did.
I wasn't really worried until I got there and somewhere between being admitted to the hospital, stripped to a johnny, and having fetal monitors attached to me, the worried picked up. Ironically, my room was the same on we saw on our tour last week and was ready and equipped for whatever happened. We waited patiently for the doctor who did a full cervical exam (no dilation or effacement), a urine test for a UTI (negative), and then a FFN (more info here: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/pretermlabor_fetalfibronectin.html). I then had to wait an hour for the results to come back.
Thankfully, everything was ok and we were soon discharged, but needless to say I don't want to be back there until the big day. Baby Weeks's vitals were really strong (the nurse actually called them "beautiful") and my pain was simply diagnosed as aggravated muscles stretching to make more room for baby or simply my baby kicking my cervix.
I'm now pumped for a super fun weekend and relieved that with 8 weeks left, everything looks great!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Ripping off the Band-Aid
So it is official. My clothes don't fit. Well, dresses and shirts are ok, but undies, bras and pants no way.
I have been completely putting off buying anything new simply because I am terrified I am going to jinx this pregnancy. The thought of throwing away boxes of maternity clothes mid-way through this journey literally makes me want to throw up. But, enough is enough.
My mom had picked up one outfit for me from Gap.com, but unfortunately both pieces were still too big, so off to the mall Jesse and I went. Our first stop was Destination Maternity which is a hybrid of the high end Pea in the Pod and the middle of the road Motherhood Maternity. I am definitely investing in a sexy pair of $150 Seven Maternity Jeans once we find out the sex of the baby mid-April and I feel 100% confident, but for now, I went cheap. I found a great pair of work pants for $20 and a pack of maternity panties that are oh so comfy. We also stopped by VS for a bra fitting and a bra that actually doesn't dig into my back. Finally, we stopped by the Gap and grabbed a middle of the road pair of jeans that at $70 really did the trick. Since I had ripped the band-aid off, I also grabbed another pair of work pants and cheap jeans from OldNavy.com once I got home.
Maternity shopping is harder than it seems. The two Destination Maternity stores are both an hour away: Natick and South Windsor. Few Gap stores carry their maternity line in store, and so far no Old Navy's do. Target is another option and I'll definitely be hitting them up when it comes to summer dresses but I've never been impressed with the quality of their work pants or jeans. Other than that, it's the internet, which will be more helpful once I know what sizes I am (for anyone that is wondering the Small work pants worked great and I'm a 6 in Gap Maternity ;)).
At work today, I made the big reveal to the kids. I rocked my new maternity pants and a tighter than usual top and the secret was not a secret any longer. I had really been trying to hold off telling them until after MCAS so their focus wouldn't wain (any more than usual), but mother nature had other ideas. Speaking of pants - OMG they are SO comfortable. I mean why don't we all wear these things? Screw buttons and zippers, give me 5 inches of lycra any day!
I have been completely putting off buying anything new simply because I am terrified I am going to jinx this pregnancy. The thought of throwing away boxes of maternity clothes mid-way through this journey literally makes me want to throw up. But, enough is enough.
My mom had picked up one outfit for me from Gap.com, but unfortunately both pieces were still too big, so off to the mall Jesse and I went. Our first stop was Destination Maternity which is a hybrid of the high end Pea in the Pod and the middle of the road Motherhood Maternity. I am definitely investing in a sexy pair of $150 Seven Maternity Jeans once we find out the sex of the baby mid-April and I feel 100% confident, but for now, I went cheap. I found a great pair of work pants for $20 and a pack of maternity panties that are oh so comfy. We also stopped by VS for a bra fitting and a bra that actually doesn't dig into my back. Finally, we stopped by the Gap and grabbed a middle of the road pair of jeans that at $70 really did the trick. Since I had ripped the band-aid off, I also grabbed another pair of work pants and cheap jeans from OldNavy.com once I got home.
Maternity shopping is harder than it seems. The two Destination Maternity stores are both an hour away: Natick and South Windsor. Few Gap stores carry their maternity line in store, and so far no Old Navy's do. Target is another option and I'll definitely be hitting them up when it comes to summer dresses but I've never been impressed with the quality of their work pants or jeans. Other than that, it's the internet, which will be more helpful once I know what sizes I am (for anyone that is wondering the Small work pants worked great and I'm a 6 in Gap Maternity ;)).
At work today, I made the big reveal to the kids. I rocked my new maternity pants and a tighter than usual top and the secret was not a secret any longer. I had really been trying to hold off telling them until after MCAS so their focus wouldn't wain (any more than usual), but mother nature had other ideas. Speaking of pants - OMG they are SO comfortable. I mean why don't we all wear these things? Screw buttons and zippers, give me 5 inches of lycra any day!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Landlocked
Blink your eyes. That's how quickly everything changes.
Yesterday started off in spectacular fashion. I got up early after an actual restful nights sleep (which for those who know me know how rare that is). I got in a great shower, packed my bathing suit into my carry-on for the trip, and decided to treat myself to breakfast at the Carnegie Deli. While there I had an awesome convo with my mom and decided to go shopping for the baby with her the Tuesday I got back because things were going so well.
I was on cloud 9 when I got back to my hotel. Using the bathroom, I got into a bit of a coughing fit (that pesky July cold again) and before I could thank God for protecting my baby, noticed bright red blood on the toilet paper. I took a few deep breaths, called Kristina to get a hospital recommendation, tried getting a hold of Jesse, grabbed my purse, then a cab, and headed to the hospital.
I was bawling hysterically in the cab, called my mom again, and was told to get my act together - stress is no good for the baby. Luckily, Amie got to the hospital almost immediately after I did so I didn't have to do this day alone.
Then the waiting began. I was at the hospital for 8 hours, most of which, freezing in a tiny hospital gown, waiting for answers. My friends could not have been better people that day. They held my hand, made me laughed, cried with me, and kept my mom and Jesse well informed of every step along the way. I cant' say I was terribly impressed with any of the doctors at the hospital, but at least we finally got somewhere.
One of the most nerve racking points of the entire process was during the almost 30-minutes long ultra sound process. When we had our first ultra sound last Friday, the technician talked us through everything we were seeing from the yolk sack, to the heartbeat, to everything in between. Here, the screen was turned away from me, and they told me over and over again that they couldn't tell me anything.
In the end, results were mixed. Baby was still where she was supposed to be, HcG was at 22,000 (which is good),but the heart rate was on the low side for 6-weeks at 92 bpm, 10 bpm lower than Friday. Additionally, because of my O negative blood type I had to get (a rather painful) shot of RhoGAM to prevent my body from making antibodies that could complicate a future pregnancy.
I also had the make the easy but upsetting decision to cancel my trip. Despite the trauma of the day, I was able to discharge myself, get back to the hotel (which was the most understanding place ever and didn't charge me a dollar for checking out 4 hours late), then to grand central and onto a train to Stamford, CT. My parents picked me up from there and brought me to their house where I was reunited with Jesse.
Now, what? I'm trying to rest and not do too much worrying. That's really hard. Especially while I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor (who still hasn't called me back, I'm not impressed). My discharge papers said my chances of carrying this baby to term is down to 50%...but I'm not sure how accurate that is. I'm scared. I love this baby so much already, I just can't imagine my life without her.
More updates when I hear from the doctor. Until then, my sincere gratitude to Jesse, Laura, Amie, Kristina, Courtney, my amazing parents, and my in-laws for everything you did to get me through yesterday.
Now we wait. And pray.
Yesterday started off in spectacular fashion. I got up early after an actual restful nights sleep (which for those who know me know how rare that is). I got in a great shower, packed my bathing suit into my carry-on for the trip, and decided to treat myself to breakfast at the Carnegie Deli. While there I had an awesome convo with my mom and decided to go shopping for the baby with her the Tuesday I got back because things were going so well.
I was on cloud 9 when I got back to my hotel. Using the bathroom, I got into a bit of a coughing fit (that pesky July cold again) and before I could thank God for protecting my baby, noticed bright red blood on the toilet paper. I took a few deep breaths, called Kristina to get a hospital recommendation, tried getting a hold of Jesse, grabbed my purse, then a cab, and headed to the hospital.
I was bawling hysterically in the cab, called my mom again, and was told to get my act together - stress is no good for the baby. Luckily, Amie got to the hospital almost immediately after I did so I didn't have to do this day alone.
Then the waiting began. I was at the hospital for 8 hours, most of which, freezing in a tiny hospital gown, waiting for answers. My friends could not have been better people that day. They held my hand, made me laughed, cried with me, and kept my mom and Jesse well informed of every step along the way. I cant' say I was terribly impressed with any of the doctors at the hospital, but at least we finally got somewhere.
One of the most nerve racking points of the entire process was during the almost 30-minutes long ultra sound process. When we had our first ultra sound last Friday, the technician talked us through everything we were seeing from the yolk sack, to the heartbeat, to everything in between. Here, the screen was turned away from me, and they told me over and over again that they couldn't tell me anything.
In the end, results were mixed. Baby was still where she was supposed to be, HcG was at 22,000 (which is good),but the heart rate was on the low side for 6-weeks at 92 bpm, 10 bpm lower than Friday. Additionally, because of my O negative blood type I had to get (a rather painful) shot of RhoGAM to prevent my body from making antibodies that could complicate a future pregnancy.
I also had the make the easy but upsetting decision to cancel my trip. Despite the trauma of the day, I was able to discharge myself, get back to the hotel (which was the most understanding place ever and didn't charge me a dollar for checking out 4 hours late), then to grand central and onto a train to Stamford, CT. My parents picked me up from there and brought me to their house where I was reunited with Jesse.
Now, what? I'm trying to rest and not do too much worrying. That's really hard. Especially while I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor (who still hasn't called me back, I'm not impressed). My discharge papers said my chances of carrying this baby to term is down to 50%...but I'm not sure how accurate that is. I'm scared. I love this baby so much already, I just can't imagine my life without her.
More updates when I hear from the doctor. Until then, my sincere gratitude to Jesse, Laura, Amie, Kristina, Courtney, my amazing parents, and my in-laws for everything you did to get me through yesterday.
Now we wait. And pray.
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